January 14, 2014
There is a disease festering in the bowels of our city, which has been getting progressively worse over the past several years, and is now at Biblical proportions. This disease does not cause coughing, itchiness or the eruption of unsightly rashes on the skin. What it does do, is turn perfectly normal, law-abiding citizens into complete and total morons.
Unfortunately the disease is easy to contract, and is easily passed on to others. You most likely will not know when you are infected, and will go about your day obliviously infecting others. So how does one contract Ignoramus-itis? Well, it’s very simple. All one needs to do is to become or spend time around a TTC commuter.
Let’s look at some of the symptoms of Ignoramus-itis:
1. Possessive Disorder.
The development of this disorder is characterized by an inexplicable possessiveness of the bus, subway or streetcar the person is riding on. As a result they position themselves in the doorway of the vehicle, ensuring their body mass prevents other humanoids from accessing their territory. Anyone trying to bypass this obstacle will be met with derision and hostility.
2. Invisible Friend Illusion
A sign of a more advanced case of Ignoramus-itis, is the belief that one has a new friend with which to ride the TTC. Unfortunately, this friend is invisible to the rest of the population, and is simply a figment of the inflicted person’s imagination. This illusion causes the person to “save” a seat beside them, usually by the placement of a bag or purse or by sitting on the outside of a two-seater section.
A secondary symptom of the Invisible Friend Illusion is the development of temporary deafness. This symptom appears if another TTC rider has the audacity to request the use of the “saved” seat, but cannot be heard or seen by the inflicted person.
3. Attached Backpack Syndrome
Another side effect of Ignoramus-itis, is the sudden inability to remove inanimate objects from one’s person. This is usually in the form of a backpack, or gigantic purse, the contents of which one could only assume could feed and clothe a small third world country for a year.
The person carrying this object is, however, completely oblivious to its size or heft. This causes them to traverse any TTC vehicle as if un-impeded; often causing their giant carryall to make contact with other passengers faces, backs, legs, etc.
4. You-Can’t-See-Me Fever
There is one symptom that appears during the winter months, and causes much discord amongst public transit travelers. The You-Can’t-See-Me fever causes an uncontrollable urge to hide oneself from public view, by use of a giant parka hood. Upon entering the TTC vehicle from outside, the inflicted is unable to lower the hood, instead making their way blindly through the public transit system, body-checking innocent by-standers out of their way.
Of course there many additional symptoms of Ignoramous-itis, far too many for us to go into today. The above listed are the most common, and suffice it to say, if you see anyone displaying any of the above symptoms, you will know that they are afflicted.
And although there is currently no cure for Ignoramous-itis, there is hope for the infected. By visiting a well-respected proctologist, they can have their head removed from their ass. Once this procedure is complete, the person will be well on the road to recovery, and to becoming a considerate TTC passenger